The Magic Pudding Read online

"feathers". Now, I'll tell you why.Only this morning, as I was standing here, I said to myself "somebody'sbeen burning feathers". I called out at once to the wife--fine woman,the wife, you'll meet her presently--"Have you been burning feathers?""No", says she. "Well," said I, "if you haven't been burning feathers,somebody else has." At the very moment that I'm repeating the words"feathers" and "burning" you come along and repeat the words "singed"and "possum". Instantly I call to mind that at the identical moment thatI smelt something burning, I saw a possum passing this very gate, thoughwhether he happened to be singed or not I didn't inquire.'

  'Which way did he go?' inquired Bill excitedly.

  'Now, let me see,' said the Rooster. 'He went down the road, turned tothe right, gave a jump and a howl, and set off in the direction ofWatkin Wombat's summer residence.'

  'The very man we're after,' shouted Bill, and bolted off down the road,followed by the others, without taking any notice of the Rooster'srequest to wait a minute and be introduced to the wife.

  'His wife may be all right,' said Bill as they ran, 'but what I say is,blow meetin' a bloomin' old Rooster's wife when you haven't got a yearto waste listenin' to a bloomin' old Rooster.'

  They followed the Rooster's directions with the utmost rapidity, andcame to a large hollow tree with a door in the side and a notice-boardnailed up which said, 'Watkin Wombat, Esq., Summer Residence'.

  The door was locked, but it was clear that the puddin'-thieves wereinside, because they heard the Possum say peevishly, 'You're eating toomuch, and here's me, most severely singed, not getting sufficient', andthe Wombat was heard to say, 'What you want is soap', but the Possumsaid angrily, 'What I need is immense quantities of puddin'.'

  The avengers drew aside to hold a consultation.

  'What's to be done?' said Bill. 'It's no use knockin', because they'dlook through the keyhole and refuse to come out, and, not bein'burglars, we can't bust the door in. It seems to me that there's nothin'for it but to give way to despair.'

  'Never give way to despair while whiskers can be made from dry grass,'said Bunyip Bluegum, and suiting the action to the word, he swiftly madea pair of fine moustaches out of dried grass and stuck them on withwattle gum. 'Now, lend me your hat,' he said to Bill, and taking the hathe turned up the brim, dented in the top, and put it on. 'The bag isalso required,' he said to Sam, and taking that in his hand and turninghis coat inside out, he stood before them completely disguised.

  'You two,' he said, 'must remain in hiding behind the tree. You willhear me knock, accost the ruffians and hold them in conversation. Themoment you hear me exclaim loudly, "Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans", youwill dart out and engage the villains at fisticuffs. The rest leave tome.'

  Waiting till the others were hidden behind the tree, Bunyip rappedsmartly on the door which opened presently and the Wombat put his headout cautiously.

  'Have I the extreme pleasure of addressing Watkin Wombat, Esq.?'inquired Bunyip Bluegum, with a bow.

  Of course, seeing a perfect stranger at the door, the Wombat had nosuspicions, and said at once, 'Such is the name of him you see beforeyou.'

  'I have called to see you,' said Bunyip, 'on a matter of business. Thecommodity which I vend is Pootles's Patent Pudding Enlarger, samples ofwhich I have in the bag. As a guarantee of good faith we are givingsamples of our famous Enlarger away to all well-known Puddin'-owners.The Enlarger, one of the wonders of modern science, has but to be pouredover the puddin', with certain necessary incantations, and the puddin'will be instantly enlarged to double its normal size.' He took somesugar from the bag and held it up. 'I am now about to hand you some ofthis wonderful discovery. But,' he added impressively, 'the operation ofenlarging the puddin' is a delicate one, and must be performed in theopen air. Produce your puddin', and I will at once apply Pootles'sPatent with marvellous effect.'

  'Of course it's understood that no charge is to be made,' said thePossum, hurrying out.

  'No charge whatever,' said Bunyip Bluegum.

  So on the principle of always getting something for nothing, as theWombat said, Puddin' was brought out and placed on the ground.

  'Now watch me closely,' said Bunyip Bluegum. He sprinkled the Puddin'with sugar, made several passes with his hands, and pronounced thesewords--

  'Who incantations utters He generally mutters His gruesome blasts and bans But I, you need not doubt it, Prefer aloud to shout it, Hey, Presto! Pots and Pans.'

  Out sprang Bill and Sam and set about the puddin'-thieves like a pair ofwindmills, giving them such a clip-clap clouting and a flip-flapflouting, that what with being punched and pounded, and clipped andclapped, they had only enough breath left to give two shrieks of despairwhile scrambling back into Watkin Wombat's Summer Residence, and bangingthe door behind them. The three friends had Puddin' secured in no time,and shook hands all round, congratulating Bunyip Bluegum on the successof his plan.

  'Your noble actin',' said Bill, 'has saved our Puddin's life.'

  'Them puddin'-thieves,' said Sam, 'was children in your hands.'

  'We hear you,' sang out the Possum, and the Wombat added, 'Oh, whatdeceit!'

  'Enough of you two,' shouted Bill. 'If we catch you sneakin' after ourPuddin' again, you'll get such a beltin' that you'll wish you wasvegetarians. And now,' said he, 'for a glorious reunion round the campfire.'

  And a glorious reunion they had, tucking into hot steak-and-kidneypuddin' and boiled jam roll, which, after the exertions of the day, wentdown, as Bill said, 'Grand'.

  'If them puddin'-thieves ain't sufferin' the agonies of despair at thisvery moment, I'll eat my hat along with the Puddin',' said Bill,exultantly.

  'Indeed,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'the consciousness that our enemies aredeservedly the victims of acute mental and physical anguish, imparts, itmust be admitted, an additional flavour to the admirable Puddin'.'

  'Well spoken,' said Bill, admiringly. 'Which I will say, that forturning off a few well-chosen words no parson in the land is the equalof yourself.'

  'Your health!' said Bunyip Bluegum.

  The singing that evening was particularly loud and prolonged, owing tothe satisfaction they all felt at the recovery of their beloved Puddin'.The Puddin', who had got the sulks over Sam's remarks that fifteen goesof steak-and-kidney were enough for any self-respecting man, protestedagainst the singing, which, he said, disturbed his gravy. '"More eatingand less noise" is my motto,' he said, and he called Bill aleather-headed old barrel organ for reproving him.

  'Albert is a spoilt child, I fear,' said Bill, shoving him into the bagto keep him quiet, and without more ado, led off with--

  'Ho! aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_, Rollin' home around the Horn, The Bo'sun pulls the Captain's nose For treatin' him with scorn.

  'Rollin' home, rollin' home, Rollin' home across the foam. The Bo'sun goes with thumps and blows The whole way rollin' home.'

  'But,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, after about fifteen verses of the_Salt Junk Sarah_, 'the superior skill, ingenuity and darin' with whichyou bested them puddin'-snatchers reminds me of a similar incident inSam's youth, which I will now sing you. The incident, though similar asregards courage an' darin', is totally different in regard to everythin'else, and is entitled--

  THE PENGUIN'S BRIDE

  ''Twas on the _Saucy Soup Tureen_, That Sam was foremast hand, When on the quarter-deck was seen A maiding fit to be a Queen With her old Uncle stand.

  'And Sam at once was sunk all In passion deep and grand, But this here aged Uncle He was the Hearl of Buncle And Sam a foremast hand.

  'And Sam he chewed salt junk all Day with grief forlorn, Because the Hearl of Buncle, The lovely maiding's Uncle, Regarded him with scorn.

  'When sailin' by Barbado, The _Saucy Soup Tureen_, Before she could be stayed-O Went down in a tornado, And never more was seen.

  'The passengers were sunk all Beneath the ragin' wave, The maiding and her Uncle, The Noble Hearl of Buncle, Were saved by Sam the Brave.
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  'He saved the Noble Buncle By divin' off the poop. The maiding in a funk all He, saved